I’ve been distant. I am so used to abandoning my ship, I almost did it again. I create something really wonderful, something I want so badly but then after a while the waters within and around me grow violent. The doubt sets in, the fear of not being able to stay consistent hovers over me, and unworthiness unveils my truth. Get to safety, return to quiet, return to nothingness. My body knows the drill all too well and I drown in the torrent again. Then, when it’s safe, I emerge in rebirth and start again.
Nine weeks ago, my world imploded. Just like everything else, I figured I’d talk about it another time when I’ve found healing but sometimes it just doesn’t work that way. I’m so tired of pushing things away to deal with later, only to spend years in its pain. Nine weeks ago, a long term relationship came to an end. It felt like an earthquake and though I am familiar with loss, I am no expert at coping with it.
Today marks 4 years since my mum’s passing, which seems absolutely surreal. Today, I thought I’d share a piece of writing I made recently in thought of her.
I Dreamt of You
by H. WEND
The sky nearing sunset, We sat on a hill; Our favourite place. Lush green grass beneath us, A bed of sunflowers. Just us and the world. As it had always been. We were watching the sky, As the sun began to fall; Soft pink and orange hues, Purple ink bled through scattered clouds. I saw the evening light touch your face… Your skin, your green speckled eyes– Illuminated by the light. It was as if, Maybe, You had never left. The wind blew a gentle breeze. I took a deep breath. Suddenly, I realised the depth Of missing you. Desperation filled my lungs, My heart grew heavy. “Mum,” I whispered, “I don’t want this to end.” The wind grew stronger, Singing as it swirled around us. You smiled, took my hand in yours, And, you said, “We don’t have much longer, Stay in this moment with me.” Then you nodded toward the sunset; An array of the most beautiful colours Painted across the sky before us. And us, At the edge of night. Our world; Slowly fading, slowly fading. It was painstakingly beautiful, It was all too familiar, It was ‘Goodbye’.
The year is coming to a close and many of us are reflecting on the year we have had and the year that is about to come.
I’m definitely the type of person to take an opportunity to turn a new leaf and set some goals. Though, if anything, I have achieved shameless persistence rather than actually completing any goals but hey, I don’t mind, persistence is also good.
For me, 2022 has been similar to years previous with just a few differences- most of them, I’m very grateful for.
This year I am grateful for all the things I’ve learned and the ways in which I was able to grow. I thought I would share just a few reflections here.