Miss Harvey’s Grief

Image Credit: Alexander Grey via Unsplash.

Written by H. WEND. January 12th, 2023.

Miss Harvey was a young teacher, in her early to mid twenties. She had short red hair and freckles. I adored her. She was beautiful, upbeat and goofy. She was my kindergarten teacher.

One day, Miss Harvey came in and she was quiet. Throughout the morning it became more apparent that something was wrong.

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‘I Dreamt of You’ — by H. WEND

Image Credit: Ithalu Dominguez via Pexels.

Written by H. WEND. January 5th, 2023.

Today marks 4 years since my mum’s passing, which seems absolutely surreal. Today, I thought I’d share a piece of writing I made recently in thought of her.

I Dreamt of You

by H. WEND

The sky nearing sunset,
We sat on a hill;
Our favourite place.
Lush green grass beneath us,
A bed of sunflowers.
Just us and the world.
As it had always been.
We were watching the sky,
As the sun began to fall;
Soft pink and orange hues,
Purple ink bled through scattered clouds.
I saw the evening light touch your face…
Your skin, your green speckled eyes
Illuminated by the light.
It was as if,
You had never left.
The wind blew a gentle breeze.
I took a deep breath.
Suddenly, I realised the depth
Of missing you.
Desperation filled my lungs,
My heart grew heavy.
“Mum,” I whispered,
“I don’t want this to end.”
The wind grew stronger,
Singing as it swirled around us.
You smiled, took my hand in yours,
And, you said,
“We don’t have much longer,
Stay in this moment with me.”
Then you nodded toward the sunset;
An array of the most beautiful colours
Painted across the sky before us.
And us,
At the edge of night.
Our world;
Slowly fading, slowly fading.
It was painstakingly beautiful,
It was all too familiar,
It was ‘Goodbye’.

© H. WEND 2023 Dear Jo-Anne

Goodbye 2022, Hello 2023

December 30th, 2022

The year is coming to a close and many of us are reflecting on the year we have had and the year that is about to come.

I’m definitely the type of person to take an opportunity to turn a new leaf and set some goals. Though, if anything, I have achieved shameless persistence rather than actually completing any goals but hey, I don’t mind, persistence is also good.

For me, 2022 has been similar to years previous with just a few differences- most of them, I’m very grateful for.

This year I am grateful for all the things I’ve learned and the ways in which I was able to grow. I thought I would share just a few reflections here.

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Finding Meaning in Christmas after Loss | Blogmas 2022

20th December 2022

I was raised in a very religious household and growing up, Christmas was centred around the birth of Christ. My mum had a beautiful set of nativity ornaments she would bring out each year and every Christmas we were reminded about the story of the Nativity.

Of course, there was also Santa Claus and gift giving and all the fun festivities of the season too. These things remained when religion was no longer practised in our home, and most importantly it was all about celebrating together as a family.

I didn’t realise that certain events would leave me wondering what Christmas means for me now. Whether it was my parents passing away, having a religious void or splitting from family members, the question has been waiting for an answer.

What does Christmas mean to me and what is important to me this season?

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Grief Feels Like…

17th December 2022

Grief kind of feels like that time- when I was four years old- I had terrifying nightmares and I would wake up crying and beg my mum to call the police so they could take the bad dreams away.

My mum would hold me tight and whisper softly “Hannah, everything will be okay.”

It seemed that the only relief I truly needed in that moment was to be held in my mother’s arms.

Although I look back now and find the idea of calling the police on a bad dream funny, in essence this scenario is exactly how grief sometimes feels for me.

It’s the nightmare, the inescapable agony that no one else can see or feel. There is no remedy but to hope it goes away.

Invisible, terrifying, powerful.

In my experience with grief, the difference is that this time the nightmare is real, there is no waking up and what’s worse is that I cannot be held in my mother’s arms.

A Reminder This Christmas | Blogmas 2022

16th December 2022

This year, I am certainly trying to focus on the joy Christmas can bring. It’s been a very tough few years dealing with grief.

You may know that I created this blog after my mum passed away in 2019. My blog is addressed to her and I write for her. My first post was a piece I started writing during our last Christmas together.

It was the most difficult experience I’ve had and most definitely a Christmas that broke my heart. It was surreal and I struggled to truly digest what was happening- what used to be a shared and joyous occasion was heart-wrenching as my mum’s condition deteriorated.

Today, she is all I think about and with every Christmas following my mum’s death, the pain is still there. It’s that reminder that Christmas will never be the same and that it will always be tainted by my loss.

My own experiences of loss and grief has made me truly realise that tragedy happens no matter the season. Lately, this knowledge has felt very real and heavy in my heart.

Recent events have reminded me to take extra care of loved ones and myself this season, especially my grief and mental health. I am reminded to pay closer attention to loved ones and of the gratitude I feel to have them in my life today.

If there’s one thing I have learned so far, it’s that there is healing in the small things we do after our loss, like trying to find joy in Christmas again, but there is so much healing and comfort in keeping our connections.

With Christmas right around the corner and festivities in full swing, I think now is an important time to check in with others and yourself. Whether we are near or far apart, we can celebrate in joy and comfort each other through the difficult things.

These are the times to take a step back from the hustle and bustle, and really hold the people you love, make stronger connections and take thoughtful action.

The best gift is love.

Don’t forget to prioritise your wellbeing and remember what really matters this Christmas.

One Summer Night in 2018 — by H. WEND

Image Credit: Anne Nygård via Unsplash.

Written by H. WEND. August 10th, 2022.

It’s a warm summer night. Nothing but the rattle of a portable air-conditioning unit, seemingly at the end of its short life too, hanging on just for you.

I’ve just finished decorating the house one last time. One last Christmas we will spend together.

It’s 10.24pm. Late. I’ve never been early to sleep, or rise, but now I find it especially hard to close my eyes at night.

I sit at your bedside, observing every breath you take. Tonight you look to be having the most peaceful sleep on earth but I’m scared you will slip away at any moment. And now it has been a while since you’ve woken to speak with me, I wonder if you ever will again. I wonder if this is truly where I lose you.

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